一個不小心就會跟自己的腦袋打架,我覺得應該是生病了。對這個社會感到不安,對面對這個社會的自己感到厭倦。 在掙扎要不要寫一封信給老闆或者家人,跟他們說「我出去走一走,看完我想看的,就會回來了。」這麼做,有人會原諒我嗎?
害怕失去似乎成為了我生命中的死穴。從小不敢跟父母說自己想要新玩具,因為他們會說那把舊的給表弟吧,反正 也不玩了。後來上了高中,喜歡上一個女生卻不敢開口, 遠遠看著她笑,聊了幾句都心滿意足。人家最後還是跟爽 朗自信的那個在一起了。
我應該學著不再害怕失去,學著不再為這些會遺憾的事掙扎了。我應該在保險套插兩個小洞,不再掙扎了。
可是…我不想當爸爸。
文字／攝影 : GS TAY
A careless misstep will end up with a fight in your head, you think perhaps I am sick. Feeling uneasy with this society, and feeling tired with the persona that has to face this community. Perhaps you are struggling to write a letter to the boss or your family, and tell them, “I am going out. After I see what I want to see, I will return.” In so doing, will people forgive me?
The fear of losing seems to be the bane of my life. I grew up not daring to tell parents that I wanted a new toy, because they would say then give the old one to your cousin, since you would not play with that anymore. Later, in high school, I fell in love with a girl but did not dare to speak to her. Watching her smile from a distance, and making small talk would make me satisfied. Finally she ended up together with the guy who had hearty confidence.
I should learn to not be afraid to lose, and not have to struggle to regret these things. I should plug two holes in my condoms, and no longer struggle.
But … I do not want to be a father.
text/photograph : GS TAY
